WHAT IF YOU NEVER EXIST ?

 Sometimes when alone, i wonder , I actually wonder what if you never exist.  If you had never existed, my whole childhood would have been a mesmerizing journey .  I still remember how you grabbed my hands on a sudden in a public bus . I still remember  how those rough hands went through my small thighs and how cold wind passed through my spine .  I wish  i could know that it was wrong at that moment and i could say no and give you a big slap at that moment. If you had never existed, I would have never been afraid to share a seat with a guy on public vehicle, i would have never been scared of hugging my cousing brothers, i would have never been afraid of my male friends.  Thats why i wonder , what if you never exist ?

I wonder if you had never existed,  a lonely attention and care seeking personality would had never developed in me which has always been hiding behind these earful of smile and laugh. You gave me the biggest scar of my life, making  me loose my self esteem, my self love over how i was and my self confidencefor who i am.  "You fatso", "How dare you to stand among us with that look?" "She is such a shame. Look at her crooked teeths and her face with scars. OH GOD !!!!! " I still remember these words and these keep ringing on my head till now. Bullying me might be fun for you but I had to go through mental frustrations, somewhere hating myself. So, I wonder, what if you never exist ? 

Honestly, i learned that if you never existed I would not have known that I had to love myself first. I would not have the courage to speak for wrong and give them enough confidence to slap you there right at the instant. I would have never known that my self company was the major priority for me if u had never existed. 

But still , still i wish and wonder if u never existed !!!!!!!!!